I was meant to live

Mornings with a coffee mug in hand

And a cigarette clenched between fingers

Unsteady, thoughts

Rolling like a pinwheel in the wind  

The sun rays – golden locks of Adonis –

 Leak lazily, like rivulets in a river

Outside my window pane

But I was meant to live

Among fresh flesh and sweat,

Brushing against heavy hearts,

Like gaits in an empty cellar –

With an agitated moth in my chest,

Like a fly in the web

I was meant to live

In cities that palpitate like thunder,

Wild with desires that wane

Like the hands of a clock

Desperate to retain dreams

That scatter like puzzle pieces,

And decompose like dead matter

I was meant to live

Insipid afternoons in bed

Carving my shape in sheets

Smearing pillows with tears,

Eating crackers and butter

I was meant to live

Counting hours like failures

Letting days slip like pages

Of frustrated books

I was meant to live

And dance in empty spaces

Of adopted homes

Drunk on red wine

And mac n’ cheese

I was meant to live

Smudging red lipstick on crooked lips

Wearing boots that say fierce

Confusing style with attitude,

Attitude with pride,

Pride with courage,

Courage with strength

I was meant to live

And wake up on mornings

With a coffee mug in hand

And a cigarette clenched between fingers